So

I’ve been wanting to do something like this for a long time.

It’s kinda ironic. When I was a kid I was so damn shy and afraid of drawing attention to myself, I would literally try not to move whenever I was in a public place. I hated doing stuff in front of people to my bones, so school and university were just pure hell. You know, when you get all nervous when the teacher asks a question that you don’t know the answer to, but nobody raises their hand to answer it, so you try to be as inconspicuous as possible, so the teacher won’t pick you and say your name? Yeah, this 😅.

I still don’t get why some teachers throw a tantrum when a student forgets their pen or book or whatever. They act like it’s the most fatal thing in the world, like they never forget anything. Seriously, I had teachers who would spend a whole lesson giving a lecture on why it is not acceptable to forget something after finding out that one student had forgotten something. Like… Why…?

You know, if I had known what I know today back then in school, it would have been much more fun. I would have studied less and done less homework. Really, the only reason I ever did all of it was because I was afraid the teacher might get mad at me or think less of me. Meh. I’d also probably have dropped out of middle school and done and learned stuff I was interested in while earning some money at the same time instead of wasting time doing the most useless and uninteresting shit pursuing a piece of paper (aka graduation/degree). Of course there’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what you want to do and if you actually enjoy it. But honestly, schools and universities do not teach you what you really need in life.

Anyway, I figured that there is actually no reason to be anxious or embarrassed for whatever reason. Like, what happens if you tell the teacher that you don’t know the answer? Nothing. Okay, some teachers might get mad and give you a lecture or something, but that’s really their problem, not yours. Why is it embarrassing to not know the answer in front of many people? Most of them probably don’t know themselves… and also probably don’t care lol. What’s the worst thing that can happen if you screw up or embarrass yourself in front of many people? Not a lot. They might laugh at you or talk about it for a while, but it’s really no big deal. Just laugh with them. The next day they will probably have forgotten about it, because everyone is busy with their own shit anyway.

I used to learn some instruments, attend the school choir and also did a number of other activities. I just wanted to do it for myself, because it was fun. But everything quickly lost its fun when the teachers or instructors pushed me to do shit I didn’t wanna do, like performing in front of audiences and taking part in competitions. Yo, I’m not your dancing monkey, if you want fame, you better go and get it yourself instead of using your students to brag about what a great teacher you are. Although, if you were that great you probably wouldn’t need to be doing that, right?

Anyway, throughout all these years I was always thinking that some people are just born for the stage and some people aren’t. And I was one of those who weren’t. Acting, performing and expressing myself in non-written form does definitively not come naturally to me. Nevertheless I’ve been imagining myself performing in front of many people now and then, which I always found really ironic, since I could never imagine myself being a performer or a public figure whatsoever in the past. But then again, most of the great performers and artists I admire are actually introverts, so yeah. Whenever I discover something that touches and inspires me I want to do it too and share it with the world and carry people away, and it’s really frustrating to not be able to do so.

I’ve tried to do things like making videos or singing before and while I was recording, I really felt like I was putting a lot of emotions into it and going out of myself, but when I listened to and looked at the recordings I still came off as emotionless and bored af lol. And I still do. But now, the desire to create something and put it out there has gotten so strong that everything else seems irrelevant. If I don’t do it, I might as well just die. Doubts, fears and excuses are all gone. While working on that short track I’ve also noticed how much fun it is to be creative, learn new things and try to improve everything I’m not satisfied with (and I’m still not 100 % satisfied with it and I have a feeling I might never be lol, but you also gotta know how and when it’s time to move on). Oh man, this journey is gonna be so much fun!

This is my current mood 😂 I love this scene 😂:

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