Confusion

You know, when you have a shift in consciousness, you might find yourself confused sometimes.

Since I started to become more aware, this has been happening to me a lot. Sometimes, when I’m in a situation that would have made me angry in the past, there is no reaction anymore at all. And that’s surely a good thing! But it still confuses me sometimes, even though I know what’s going on. Because I still kind of expect a reaction. For example, I used to get really upset when I was running late or other people were late or especially when I was running late BECAUSE OF other people lol. It really used to drive me crazy, because I couldn’t understand how people weren’t able to plan ahead and make sure they’d be prepared to be on time. But now, I understand that some people just aren’t wired that way. And also, if you’re late, who cares? The world doesn’t stop spinning because you’re late, ya know. So now, it doesn’t bother me at all lol.

Or, like I’ve mentioned before, my mom was really good at provoking a strong reaction in me, I would get sucked in all the time and react and be dwelling on it for days. But now I’m just like, “Hm. Let her be.”. It doesn’t bother me anymore. And I’m still sometimes sooo confused lol. Because my mind is like “Hey, shouldn’t you be angry at this? Why aren’t you angry? Why is there no reaction? What if something happens?”, but my emotions don’t respond. They keep calm.

Here’s another example. Sometimes, I would get really mad when someone said something racist to me back then in school or on the street. That was a big one. It was just such a mystery to me how people could be so fucking stupid, anger would not leave me even days after it had happened. I always wished that I had said something mean back and would imagine myself beating them up in my head lol. Well, in that moment of course, I was too afraid, because they usually were a group of dumb guys, so I just walked by pretending that I didn’t care. Stuff like that bothered me a lot, but now, I’m okay with it (not saying I tolerate that kind of behavior or that we shouldn’t do anything about it, it just doesn’t get under my skin anymore). I mean, it hasn’t happened in a long time. The last time was long before I had this shift in consciousness. Now, I sometimes kinda hope it happens again, so I can see if and how I react lol.

Long story short, when your ego starts to dissolve, you will find yourself more and more emotionally stable. Stuff that used to bother you a lot will bother you less and less. Sometimes, it can be confusing, but rest assured, you’re on the right way.

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